Another month of disappointment

Not this month. AF came yesterday afternoon....I was at my parents house and did every thing I possibly could to hold back the tears. It worked.  Finally after struggling more and more I grabbed B and we headed home. As soon as I got into the car I let it all out, crying hysterically all the way home.  Knowing that I wont be holding a baby in my arms in 9 months is one of the most hurtful, disappointing feelings I have ever experienced.  This is ripping me apart. Beating me down.  Each month it gets worse and worse.  Dusty is feeling the same way.  Last night we both agreed to give it one more try, and if it doesn't work than we would be done.  We wouldn't use protection in any way but we wouldn't be trying either.  I was fine with it then.  After calling my Dr. and telling him my frustration, ( I felt there was no sympathy) he told me we would try it again for two more months, if I am not pregnant yet than we would use clomid again for 3 more months.  If that still doesn't work than we will look into getting Dusty tested.  5 more months of this?! I am not sure I can handle 5 more months of disappointment.  Yes, it may happen this next month, it may happen the third time around.  Who knows? I feel now we should try it the for 3 months.  If it doesn't happen than I will be done for good.  I cannot keep doing this to myself.  I need to just accept that it's not going to happen.  I need to appreciate the one beautiful child I do have.  If she is all I ever have as far as children I can be okay with that.  It breaks my heart to see her so bored and so eager to play with another child, but that may just be something she gets used to.  Only time will tell.....

Still waiting......

Well I didn't go get an ultrasound, the tech was extremely busy and couldn't fit me in.  Which I think I am grateful for.  I would have hated to go in and have her tell me that there was nothing there and I am not pregnant .  So I have decided to wait until I miss my period....I am already holding on strong by not taking any pregnancy tests! Today is CD 27 so only 5 more days till I either start or don't start....lets pray that I don't start.

I have been really hard on myself the last few days about not being pregnant.  I keep seeing friends and family announce that they are finally pregnant after trying for a couple of months, or they didn't think they would get pregnant the first month of trying. I am trying so hard to be happy for them, and not be jealous or upset, but I find myself crying wondering why in the world it hasn't happened to me.  I am also having a really hard time dealing with friends and family who just had a baby. A friend and a cousin both had their babies yesterday.  One was weighing 7lbs 90z and the other was 3lbs 7oz. I can't help but wanting their babies as my own! I am happy for them, very happy, it's just the need I feel for a new little addition to my family is overpowering my happiness for them. I am jealous they get to experience a new baby.  When can it be my turn? When can I say "the new babe has arrived!" when can I feel the hole in my heart has been replaced by a new sweet soul to love and cherish.  I wish this ache would go away with a positive pregnancy test.  I wish I knew when I will be having a child hopefully August 22nd.....that would be my due date if I am pregnant now.

In my previous post I mentioned I was having a few pre-period symptoms, not any more....I mean my boobs are still a little sore, but not like they normally are.. and I haven't felt like I am going to start.  Maybe that is a good sign? I am feeling more tired lately but I haven't been sleeping well at all...I am trying not to associate that with pregnancy symptoms because restless nights will do that to you.  I can do this! I can wait a week to find out the good or bad news! I will not give in and take a test, I don't want to be disappointed if I get a false-negative...or a real negative.....I am praying harder than I have ever prayed before that I will have a big fat positive!!

On a different note, it is obvious that this is one thing I think about 24/7.  Sitting at home day in and day out hasn't been very helpful with getting my mind off of it.  So after much consideration I decided that it was time to look for a job.  It keep me busy during the day and my mind focused on other things.  It will also give B an opportunity to play with other children, she doesn't get to do that often and I feel that interaction will be good for her.  Not to mention the money...it will give us a bit more extra cash to pay things off quicker and play harder! I have turned in a number of applications hoping to get a call as soon as possible. Nursing homes, banks, gas stations, and the hospital are all just a few places that I have applied.  I am hoping for a nursing home job or a hospital. They are both in the medical field, and that is what I am going to school for. But at this point in time I feel any job will be beneficial to me and my family....so as I sit waiting for a big fat positive, I also wait for a phone call for a job interview.  Have I mentioned lately that being patient is not something I am good at?  I make myself go crazy with all the reason's it hasn't happened yet....hoping for a phone call this week and a new job to go to on Monday, the likely hood of that happening is slim to none. 

I am keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed for some good news here in the next week!

Waiting

Every day seems to last an eternity.  It is extremely hard for me to be patient and wait for something I want so bad.  I am only on CD 25, so I have a little over a week until I either start AF or miss AF and find out I am pregnant.... a little over a week feels like forever and a day away! But deep down I am just feeling like I am not pregnant this month.  It is really bothersome that I feel this way already, but with a few pre-period symptoms it is getting a little discouraging to think I might actually be pregnant this month. 

When I found out I was pregnant with B I was already 7 weeks pregnant.  I felt extremely bloated so I just assumed my period was on its way, until my boobs were so sore that I couldn't even let the shower water hit my body, I thought maybe I was pregnant.  Yes, I was very naive to not have a single clue until 7 weeks, but being on birth control it wasn't something that crossed my mind.  I am trying so hard to remember the early weeks of my pregnancy to see if anything that I am feeling now I felt than... Of course I can't remember three and a half years ago.

I am really getting sick and tired of disappointments every single month.  It makes me wonder if I am done having kids... I probably shouldn't be thinking so negative, life is hard when you want something so bad and after trying and trying for months to achieve it, you still haven't, or can't it makes you wonder what God has in store for you.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am not a good enough mother, and that is why I haven't been able to conceive.  No one in my immediate family has ever had fertility issues, they are the complete opposite, FERTILE, so fertile they don't even have to try to get pregnant, it just happens when they least expect it!

All of this has been a huge wake up call for me, and even depressing to say the least.  A girl I worked with at the clinic is going to ask an Ultrasound tech if I can come in today to just see what is going on inside.  Hopefully she will be able to tell me that it looks like there will be a baby....but she can also tell me it looks normal for someone who isn't pregnant.  I am also wondering if she will be able to tell me if my tubes are blocked, I am not sure if you can even tell through ultrasound if your tubes are blocked, but if she can it will be good to know either way... and maybe it is too soon for an ultrasound, but at this point it will give me some idea as to what is or is not going on inside of me.  I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for positive news! 

Home Sweet Home

After spending 9 days with my hubby and 4 of those days in Battle Mountain, Nevada I am so ready to be back home!! Battle Mountain is horrible, not to mention living in a camp trailer with an almost 3 year old isn't the best time.  B was so tired of being cramped up (it was way to cold to go outside and play) and watching the same movies over and over again was just making her mad. The water heater tank is very small so showering was a quite a chore! Cold showers are NOT fun at all!!  Other than that, spending those days with my husband was special and much needed for our family!


And now we wait! I am currently on CD 20, I am hoping by CD 30 I will be able to take a test and have a positive result. But after doing a little research online it seems AF can be later than expected while taking clomid.  So with that in mind I am going to do my best to just wait, wait and wait some more until I feel that I will have a positive test and hope and pray that AF doesn't come at all! Our little family is desperately trying to grow, at least we want it to! I hope it happens this time around since we both tried really hard to make sure that it would! Dr.'s orders were closely followed so that our chances would be higher! I guess only time will tell, but lets hope that it is sooner than later!

Daddy's little girl

Daddy came home last night and surprised B. She was so excited she kept telling me to go away!

 Two peas in a pod!

When I went to give her a kiss good night she acted so irritated and told me to just kiss her hand! What a little stinker!

She missed her daddy so much! What a special moment for them both to spend quality time together.  I know how much it means to Dusty to have his little baby girl so excited to see him.

A little less crazy

Today has been a great day...I haven't had any psychotic break downs which is nice since my husband will be home in about 2 hours! I just hope I still like him after being with him every single day for the next 2 weeks! I'm sure I will, but with the way I have been acting.....who knows?!

Hormones

I am absolutely f-ing crazy! I have had a few people tell me that clomid made them loose their minds...I thought that can't be possible, it's just a small pill that you take for 5 days and be on your merry little way....Ya well apparently the crazy bitch doesn't come out to play till day 6...I have been extremely edgy all day and have snapped at the smallest things that would have never bothered me before. I have been so mad at my husband for having a friend over after he got off work so that talking to me on the phone was happening later than I wanted it to....mind you I couldn't even talk to him anyways because I was at school, either way I flipped....told him to stay in Nevada for the holidays, not to come home, that I wanted a divorce and never wanted to talk to him again....basically all the crazy things that you can think of I said and did! OH MY HELL.....I hate to blame it on clomid, but I feel like I just had an out of body experience and I am not sure if I can come back from this. My husband told me that if the drugs were going to make me act this way that we were done taking them. That if I don't get pregnant this time around that we will just have to try with out drugs and see what happens.  I see exactly why he wants me to stay off these drugs, he is walking on egg shells every time he talks to me on the phone.  He doesn't know what to say in fear that he is going to say the wrong thing. Poor guy doesn't even live with me and he is this terrified. Maybe its a good thing he isn't home for this!

As soon as I hung up the phone (still hysterically crying) I stared at my phone, thought to myself "you have lost your mind, what just happened? None of what happened makes any freaking sense!" I instantly quit crying and feel like everything is fine.... I feel just fine, same old me. Excited to try for another baby, excited to have my husband home for the holidays, I feel great.....but ten minutes ago I was a freaking train wreck!

I have a lot of apologizing to do.  I have some making up to do! He does not deserve to see this side of me that not even I have seen! HA! I am dying of laughter that I have just acted like a 13 year old little girl! Wow.....

Fair warning to any of you who might think of taking clomid....YOU WILL ACT CRAZY AT SOME POINT WHILE TAKING THIS DRUG! You better let your husbands know what will happen for no apparent reason. If they don't believe it will make you loose your mind, just have them call my husband....I think I have scared him to the point he wants to stay in BM Nevada!

Other than the psycho coming out, I really hope this drug does what it is supposed to do and I do become pregnant this month!

Lonely

The first couple of weeks that Dusty had been living in Nevada things felt a little easier.  By easier I mean that my house was easier to keep clean, I didn't ever have to worry about his schedule changing and how it would effect B and I in our daily lives.  Things were pretty simple.  As time went on though I realized how bored I am.  I realize how quiet my house has become and lonely I am.  B really misses her Daddy and clings to him when he comes home, I do the same thing, we are both fighting for his attention because soon it will be gone and every thing goes back to quiet, boring, nothing to do days.  I'm tired of going to bed alone every single night,  I'm tired of being the only person around to raise B.  I'm tired of not having someone here to comfort me when I am feeling depressed.  I hate to sound so down when there are soldiers that are overseas for a year or more at a time who have families back home, at least I get to see my husband every couple of weeks.  Talking to him on the phone has been nice, but as time has gone on we have run out things to say to each other.  It feels as if we are growing apart in some way.  Hurts my feelings. I want my best friend back, I want to try for another baby and not have to worry if he will be home when I need him to.  I want to not have to drive to Battle freaking Mountain and stay in his trailer just so I can be with him during the week.  These are all things that I hate with him working in another state....I am however, so thankful that in the economy he has a job, a great job that provides for our family and lets me be a stay at home mom.  I'm thankful that my husband has sacrificed so much for his family just to make sure that we have a roof over our head, food in our mouths, and money to spend.  He is the most hard-working man I have ever met and he does it without complaining.  I know it can't be easy for him to be in another state without his family, but he stays strong for us. He keeps positive for us. What an amazing man Dusty has turned out to be! I love him so much and my love grows for him each and everyday!

I know that one day I will look back and say "That was a rough time in our lives, but look at us now, stronger than ever before!" I know this won't last forever and for that I am thankful.

I love you so much Dusty! You are the best father and husband I could have ever asked for! Thank you so much for the things you do for our little family, we appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Daddy and B at the park in BM Nevada. 

Our wedding day November 6, 2010. Last family photo we have. Better get another one next time he comes home!

Give it Another Try

Well I guess it is time to try and blog again among other things in our life. BraeLynn is almost 3! I can't believe that I will have a 3 year old come December 15. She is growing like a weed and has the most adorable personality ever! (I'm sure all Mom's feel the same about their kids). Dusty is living in Battle Mountain, Nevada for Ames Construction doing what he has always done-Crusher Maintenance. They are currently working at a mine called Newmont. He loves what he does but hates being so far away from home. He left the end of July and I am feeling a little guilty when I say it doesn't feel like he has been gone very long. He gets to come home every couple of weeks for a few days at time. Last time he was here was the very last week in October and he will be home again the week of Thanksgiving.
As for me, I am now a stay at home mom and go to school at nights. I am hoping to be enrolled at Provo College in January for my RN. It has been a long time coming that I get this done as soon as possible so that Dusty and I will be able to live together as a family should. Honestly I am very nervous about taking the plunge into nursing school, it will be a very long, hard, stressful 20 months! I know it will be so worth it when all said and done, but thinking about being extremely busy has me scared out of my mind! I love being home with B all day every day, nursing school will completely tear me away from her, and with Dusty not living here I will have to rely on my family or his family to help take care of her. I hate feeling that I need to rely on someone else to take care of MY child. I guess I need to get over my fears and just take the plunge and get it over with now!!

Dusty and I have been trying to have another baby since February, obviously we aren't having very much luck in that department. It's not because he hasn't been home either. I have been taking OPK's every month and since February have had 2 positive results, one in March--which I refused to take advantage of! (I do not want another December baby, one is enough for that month!) and the other was in October, luckily Dusty was home that weekend, but it just so happens that it did not work regardless of the positive result. After calling my Dr. and being very upset about B turning 3 and not pregnant with another baby, he asked me if I had been tracking my cycles, well of course I have! I am on a 32 cycle, which apparently if your cycle is longer than 28 days the chance you ovulate each month is slim to none. Wish I would have known that months ago! Anyways, he decided to put me on a fertility drug called Clomid which helps induce ovulation. It does not ensure pregnancy which has me a little worried, but it works. Not to mention that you have a higher chance of having multiple births! I am okay with one or more, at this point I don't even care! I just want another baby to hold, to have in my home and for B to have a younger brother or sister to eventually be close with and have a special relationship that I have with my siblings. I never wanted my kids to be 4+ years apart, so I have told Dusty that after the second child we will not wait as long for a third. That made him a little nervous, but he agreed! He says after 3 kids we are finished....how can he be sure we are finished after 3? Thinking about no more kids at a certain point gives me anxiety! I love babies and love my babies even more, why quit having the most adorable kids in the world?
Hopefully I will have some good news here in the next month!