Another month of disappointment

Not this month. AF came yesterday afternoon....I was at my parents house and did every thing I possibly could to hold back the tears. It worked.  Finally after struggling more and more I grabbed B and we headed home. As soon as I got into the car I let it all out, crying hysterically all the way home.  Knowing that I wont be holding a baby in my arms in 9 months is one of the most hurtful, disappointing feelings I have ever experienced.  This is ripping me apart. Beating me down.  Each month it gets worse and worse.  Dusty is feeling the same way.  Last night we both agreed to give it one more try, and if it doesn't work than we would be done.  We wouldn't use protection in any way but we wouldn't be trying either.  I was fine with it then.  After calling my Dr. and telling him my frustration, ( I felt there was no sympathy) he told me we would try it again for two more months, if I am not pregnant yet than we would use clomid again for 3 more months.  If that still doesn't work than we will look into getting Dusty tested.  5 more months of this?! I am not sure I can handle 5 more months of disappointment.  Yes, it may happen this next month, it may happen the third time around.  Who knows? I feel now we should try it the for 3 months.  If it doesn't happen than I will be done for good.  I cannot keep doing this to myself.  I need to just accept that it's not going to happen.  I need to appreciate the one beautiful child I do have.  If she is all I ever have as far as children I can be okay with that.  It breaks my heart to see her so bored and so eager to play with another child, but that may just be something she gets used to.  Only time will tell.....