Conquering my negative voice.

"In weight loss, there are many changes. You will change your routines, and you will change sizes, but those who have the most success are those who change their minds!"
I have been reading the Weight Watchers success handbook and I am so surprised at how it has made me feel and how I am recognizing what I have been doing to myself.

My last post I was very negative about myself and really beating myself up. This book has been helping me tremendously! I've started to listen to myself and instead of some of those negative comments constantly lurking around I've decided to take it one day at a time and one positive thought each and every time I look in the mirror.
I've also created small goals to work on each week. It's easier than to look at the big picture. Yes, ultimately I want to weigh in at 125. But that's a lot to take in at once! So my goal for the week is to lose 0.5 pounds (small I know, but if I lose more then ill be extremely excited and if I lose half a pound I've met my goal and can move on). The saying "slow and steady wins the race" is so very true. I will slowly reach my goal and I know that it won't be easy, not even close!
I've also decided to incorporate exercise into my daily schedule. Again, I'm starting slow I don't want to over do it and than quit. Exercising has made a huge dent in the way I think about myself. I find myself being positive and excited about the progress I feel that I am making.
I will not let the scale and the number on the scale control me anymore!! I am in charge! If I am making healthy choices each week it WILL pay off! It may not be instant and the scale probably won't notice but the goal here is to not give up because of what the scale says.
Today, here and now, I am conquering my negative voice.
Here's to a week of POSITIVITY and for making healthier choices!

Let it out

Tonight has been hell.
My feelings are all over the place.
Lets start at the beginning.
I think my husband is pretty damn sexy. I feel pretty lucky to have married such a great man.
Yes this man has gained a few pounds over the years but by no means is he over weight or does he look over weight. I think he looks muscular and well.....sexy!
He is on this kick that he needs to lose 30 some odd pounds. A co-worker of his is on something called bee pollen and apparently it's amazing.  Whatever.
So Dustin decides he is going to start taking this bee pollen to help suppress his appetite while also hitting the local gym.
As he tells me this the wheels are turning and I start to have a panic attack.
He's going to get more good looking and more women are going to hit on him and he will be tempted if some hot, skinny bitch were to convince him or whatever it is that home wreckers do.
I'm sitting here with the tears flowing wondering if my husband feels disgusted with me.
If he is not disgusted with me, why isn't he?
Why does he love me?
Can he truly love someone that even looks like me?
I hate myself.
I hate that I am fat.
I hate that I find myself ugly.
Does my husband feel like he has to be with me because its comfortable?
Why do I feel this way?
I'm so frustrated with everything and everyone.
I just want to stay home, never leave, and never eat.
I hate food.
I hate that I am addicted to it.
I seriously need help.
If this doesn't motivate me than nothing will.

I probably sound crazy.  I am crazy.
I just want to be beautiful.
I just want to be thin.
I want another man to look at me and think "damn her husband is a lucky man!"
I want to feel attractive.
These insecurities are controlling my life and I need to gain control.

When my husband tells me that he loves me I need to believe him.
I need to trust him.
I need to be okay with him wanting to lose some weight.
Instead I turn into a crazy lady who's anxiety and who's self image ruins it all.
How am I going to over come this?
How am I ever going to feel worth it?

It feels good to let it out, but now I need to do something about it.

Losing control

I feel like I have completely fallen off the freaking wagon! This is becoming harder and harder each and everyday.
I didn't weigh in this week because well I figured it was bad. I did okay I think but I ate more fast food than I should have.
I need to just do it.
I can be the most stubborn person in the world but when it comes to food it controls me.
At least I feel like it controls me.
I feel like I'm always going to be this disgusted fat person who doesn't deserve anyone's love because I'm fat.
Seriously I'm so grossed out and other than going to work I don't go anywhere because I dont want people to see how I've let myself go.
I'm needing some real help.
I'm needing to get off my ass and just work out.
I need to have confidence and feel good in my own skin.
I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere.
Right now I'm going no where.
Needing some encouraging words of advice right now.

Week 2

Not as bad as I thought it would be. Today I weighed in at 174.6. I guess I can be okay with gaining 2 pounds, it just means I need to be better this week.
I decided I need to create a few goals each week that I should work on.
The first one is to drink more water! I know it's something we all could drink more of .  I realize that when I drink more water not only am I going pee every 5 seconds, but I feel so much better!  It's time to cut back on the diet coke and replace every diet coke I would drink with water.  Let's be honest- cutting out diet coke completely right now probably isnt going to happen-eventually I will make it my goal.  Baby steps here!
Next goal is to pack my meals. This was a struggle for me last week because I was painting and moving and it just wasn't on my mind. Obviously that was a problem for me or I wouldn't have gained two flipping pounds! So this week if I can remember to pack some fruit and healthy snacks I know I will see great results this next week!
Last goal I will work on this week is to track everything I eat!!! This is super important.  I need to track everything before I eat it. That way I know where I am at on my points and can ask myself if its worth the 7 points or whatever it may be.
I've got to keep reminding myself that's its okay to fall off the wagon every now and again. But I've got to get right back on and keep working towards my goal!

Lets be real here

Okay, I'm just gonna jump right in....tomorrow is weigh day and I'm kinda freakin! I didn't do so hot this last week. Here are a few reasons why (now that I look back they are pretty lame excuses)
1- closing on our house (yay!!) stupid reason but I don't think this is the reason why I didn't do my best.
2- painting/moving day in and day out for 3 days. This means that I was at the new house for 10+ hours....do you think I was smart enough to pack my food? Nope... Gosh I'm a flipping idiot!! So the quickest (not smartest) thing I did was order from a local pizza joint and yes I ate like a whole box of cheese stix....gross! But they are so good!! As I'm eating this delicious, fattening, cheesy goodness I start to put myself down and feel guilty.  My mind starts to say "well you've screwed up for the day so just keep eating like shit" k I need to stop doing that! I'm never going to get skinny and love the way I look if I keep eating unhealthy, fatty, processed food!
Okay, back to more reasons...
3- not eating breakfast. This is a hard one for me.... I usually eat oatmeal or have a yogurt, something quick and easy. But trying to get as much done with my house meant I woke up and left without breakfast. When I eat breakfast I feel better and tend to think a little better about my food choices.
4- didn't track everything! Um not a good idea to not track. Actually it's a horrible idea to not track your food.

Today I tried my best. Okay maybe not my best but I did track everything that I ate.
So tomorrow is weigh day and yes I'm nervous, if I didn't lose anything I just pray that I didn't gain! I hate that this is a constant struggle. I hate that I hate the way I look. I hate my double chin and my fat ass. I hate it all. I hate that my husband loves me even though I look this way.
 Miss B made a comment this morning that really broke my heart.
"Mom, do you have a baby in your belly?"
"No, just fat. Thanks Hun...."
"Well it looks like you have a baby in your belly."
"Um...I don't. Please let's stop talking about my belly."

I know she is just being sweet, and I know she doesn't understand what she is saying actually hurts my feelings. So I need to not take it so hard but I do.

When I post tomorrow please don't be upset or negative about what I do or don't lose. Lets be really here, I probably gained. But there is always next week and better choices to be made.

Week 1

Since I started Weight Watchers on a Tuesday night I weigh myself Wednesday mornings....I am so happy to announce that I have lost 5.2 pounds! My current weight is 172.6.  I am on my way to looking amazing and even better FEELING AMAZING! I am not feeling like I am starving myself and if I remember to track every thing I eat regardless of what the points value may be I find myself being a lot more cautious as to what I am eating.  Since fruits and vegetables have a pointsplus value of 0 I find myself eating more and more of them, specially since my weakness is snacking, eating these fruits and vegetables have helped a ton!
To stay on track, this week I worked on taking snacks or meals with me wherever I go.  I love fast food and LOVE fries. So if I dont have something on hand I find myself stopping at a McDonalds to grab a large fry.
Somedays I wish I hated food, or better yet, that food didn't taste good.
Here's to another week of success!

Daddy, I Love You.

My dad has had some close encounters with death these last two weeks. As a matter of fact right now he is so lucky to be alive.
Two weeks ago he went in for a routine oblasion (an invasive surgery to fix atrial fibrillation - an irregular heart beat, they go in through the femoral artery and do what they need to do).
After surgery and while in recovery my dad was bleeding out, the nurses were putting full body pressure on both his arteries to stop the bleeding. They got it controlled and he was stable. The left side of his groin started to get a HUGE hematoma, they expected a small one, but the size of this one was unreal!  Early Friday morning (the 22nd of March) his kidneys had shut down and they couldn't figure out what was going on with his body, his hematocrit was dropping at a fast rate. They realized he was bleeding internally.  The doctor rushed him into surgery and found that a branch artery had been severed. After a blood transfusion -4 units, 2 units of plasma, 48 hours of bed rest and a couple days of observation he was finally able to come home.
He has an open wound in his groin and to get it to heal from the inside out they gave him what is called a wound vac (a sponge goes inside of the wound than sealed off and the vac sucks out all the fluid from the wound). Because of this he had to have home health care come in and change the sponge and make sure it was healing correctly. Each change became more and more painful. On April 2nd (Tuesday) he left for school, about 15-20 minutes north of where we live. About 2 hours later as he was leaving school he started bleeding out! Not knowing what to do he called my mom and started driving to the emergency room. Yes, my dad was bleeding out of his femoral artery, driving to the nearest hospital and is here to tell us about it! Once he arrived at the hospital they gave him a blood transfusion-another 4 units and once he was stable they transported him to st. Marks hospital.
He is so lucky to be alive!
But it doesn't end there... The surgeon went in to see what the problem was and found that there was an infection that had eroded his artery, which caused the bleeding.
He went in for surgery everyday to change the dressing and to check the stitches. Everything had been looking so well that the surgeons felt he was stable enough to move out of ICU and to start walking. Tonight around 6pm he bled out again. They rushed him into surgery and put in a stent (a tube inside the artery). He is doing okay but he is back in the ICU. Right now I am not so sure what caused him to bleed out again, but I'm tired of death knocking on my dads door!!
My dad is my hero. My everything. I don't know what I would do if he were not here to see my children grow.
Please pray for him, pray that he will recover and return home safely and healthy. It is not his time to go, we need him here with us!
Dad, I love you so much! Please stay strong and continue to fight so that you may come home. I'm so grateful to have been raised by such wonderful parents. It's because of you and your endless support and love that I am who I am.  I love you daddy!
Love your little girl.

Cuddling with my kids! He is by far the best Papa out there! 

It's been a long while

Hey y'all! It's been about a year since I have blogged, way too long but my life is so crazy! I had a beautiful little boy name Ledger on October 8th 2012 weighing in at 7.3 lbs and 20.25 inches long. Basically he is adorable!

BraeLynn loves being a big sister and enjoys helping me out with her baby brother. She is learning and growing up so fast-time needs to stop! I need my babies to stay babies...at least a little while longer.

Dustin is no longer working in Nevada. He is now in cripple creek Colorado and thinks it's a pretty awesome town, better than good ol' battle mountain! He is farther away so I don't get to see him much. :( but like always we make do and it works for us.

Exciting news: we are in the process of buying a house! We should be closing next week sometime! It has been quite the process! Scary, but I'm unusually calm? Weird, because I'm a high strung, stressed out nut case half the time! I know this house was the right choice for our family and can not wait to get in and paint!

I have been following a very inspiring blog about overcoming your fears and working your ass off to become healthy. Brandi is amazing, brutally honest and drop dead gorgeous! You can check out her blog Here.
After much thought I have decided to blog my progress. I'm very nervous but hope that I can stick to it and get some helpful tips and positive feedback!
So... Today I weigh in at 177.8 pounds. I'm a fatty. Hating myself and constantly struggling to get to my goal weight of 125 or less. I am honestly disgusted with myself for letting myself go. Being a former skinny girl this has been so depressing, unbearable, ugly, gross and just plain ridiculous!  I am nursing my sweet son which makes this a tad bit more difficult for me. (Other nursing mothers may not have a hard time dropping the weight)  I work out and my milk goes sour, I eat much less -I lose my milk. So I'm doing weight watchers and so far loving it. I am working on portion control and eating healthier food choices. I will slowly start adding exercise once I get the food control down. I know that this will be a long and excruciating process but I am ready for the sweat, blood and tears! This girl needs to feel sexy! I mean who doesn't want to be a MILF?
I will do my best at posting weight loss pictures after every 10 pounds I lose. Weekly I will post my current weight and keep you all updated on my current struggles, motivators and tools that I find helpful. This is my first real attempt to lose weight so please bear with me!
Ready to be grossed out??
Oh I can't believe I'm posting my fat pictures on here...online....shoot me now!!

 

Well since I've put it all out here I better get to work!