Let it out

Tonight has been hell.
My feelings are all over the place.
Lets start at the beginning.
I think my husband is pretty damn sexy. I feel pretty lucky to have married such a great man.
Yes this man has gained a few pounds over the years but by no means is he over weight or does he look over weight. I think he looks muscular and well.....sexy!
He is on this kick that he needs to lose 30 some odd pounds. A co-worker of his is on something called bee pollen and apparently it's amazing.  Whatever.
So Dustin decides he is going to start taking this bee pollen to help suppress his appetite while also hitting the local gym.
As he tells me this the wheels are turning and I start to have a panic attack.
He's going to get more good looking and more women are going to hit on him and he will be tempted if some hot, skinny bitch were to convince him or whatever it is that home wreckers do.
I'm sitting here with the tears flowing wondering if my husband feels disgusted with me.
If he is not disgusted with me, why isn't he?
Why does he love me?
Can he truly love someone that even looks like me?
I hate myself.
I hate that I am fat.
I hate that I find myself ugly.
Does my husband feel like he has to be with me because its comfortable?
Why do I feel this way?
I'm so frustrated with everything and everyone.
I just want to stay home, never leave, and never eat.
I hate food.
I hate that I am addicted to it.
I seriously need help.
If this doesn't motivate me than nothing will.

I probably sound crazy.  I am crazy.
I just want to be beautiful.
I just want to be thin.
I want another man to look at me and think "damn her husband is a lucky man!"
I want to feel attractive.
These insecurities are controlling my life and I need to gain control.

When my husband tells me that he loves me I need to believe him.
I need to trust him.
I need to be okay with him wanting to lose some weight.
Instead I turn into a crazy lady who's anxiety and who's self image ruins it all.
How am I going to over come this?
How am I ever going to feel worth it?

It feels good to let it out, but now I need to do something about it.