Monday, December 12, 2011
Another month of disappointment
Not this month. AF came yesterday afternoon....I was at my parents house and did every thing I possibly could to hold back the tears. It worked. Finally after struggling more and more I grabbed B and we headed home. As soon as I got into the car I let it all out, crying hysterically all the way home. Knowing that I wont be holding a baby in my arms in 9 months is one of the most hurtful, disappointing feelings I have ever experienced. This is ripping me apart. Beating me down. Each month it gets worse and worse. Dusty is feeling the same way. Last night we both agreed to give it one more try, and if it doesn't work than we would be done. We wouldn't use protection in any way but we wouldn't be trying either. I was fine with it then. After calling my Dr. and telling him my frustration, ( I felt there was no sympathy) he told me we would try it again for two more months, if I am not pregnant yet than we would use clomid again for 3 more months. If that still doesn't work than we will look into getting Dusty tested. 5 more months of this?! I am not sure I can handle 5 more months of disappointment. Yes, it may happen this next month, it may happen the third time around. Who knows? I feel now we should try it the for 3 months. If it doesn't happen than I will be done for good. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I need to just accept that it's not going to happen. I need to appreciate the one beautiful child I do have. If she is all I ever have as far as children I can be okay with that. It breaks my heart to see her so bored and so eager to play with another child, but that may just be something she gets used to. Only time will tell.....
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Still waiting......
Well I didn't go get an ultrasound, the tech was extremely busy and couldn't fit me in. Which I think I am grateful for. I would have hated to go in and have her tell me that there was nothing there and I am not pregnant . So I have decided to wait until I miss my period....I am already holding on strong by not taking any pregnancy tests! Today is CD 27 so only 5 more days till I either start or don't start....lets pray that I don't start.
I have been really hard on myself the last few days about not being pregnant. I keep seeing friends and family announce that they are finally pregnant after trying for a couple of months, or they didn't think they would get pregnant the first month of trying. I am trying so hard to be happy for them, and not be jealous or upset, but I find myself crying wondering why in the world it hasn't happened to me. I am also having a really hard time dealing with friends and family who just had a baby. A friend and a cousin both had their babies yesterday. One was weighing 7lbs 90z and the other was 3lbs 7oz. I can't help but wanting their babies as my own! I am happy for them, very happy, it's just the need I feel for a new little addition to my family is overpowering my happiness for them. I am jealous they get to experience a new baby. When can it be my turn? When can I say "the new babe has arrived!" when can I feel the hole in my heart has been replaced by a new sweet soul to love and cherish. I wish this ache would go away with a positive pregnancy test. I wish I knew when I will be having a child hopefully August 22nd.....that would be my due date if I am pregnant now.
In my previous post I mentioned I was having a few pre-period symptoms, not any more....I mean my boobs are still a little sore, but not like they normally are.. and I haven't felt like I am going to start. Maybe that is a good sign? I am feeling more tired lately but I haven't been sleeping well at all...I am trying not to associate that with pregnancy symptoms because restless nights will do that to you. I can do this! I can wait a week to find out the good or bad news! I will not give in and take a test, I don't want to be disappointed if I get a false-negative...or a real negative.....I am praying harder than I have ever prayed before that I will have a big fat positive!!
On a different note, it is obvious that this is one thing I think about 24/7. Sitting at home day in and day out hasn't been very helpful with getting my mind off of it. So after much consideration I decided that it was time to look for a job. It keep me busy during the day and my mind focused on other things. It will also give B an opportunity to play with other children, she doesn't get to do that often and I feel that interaction will be good for her. Not to mention the money...it will give us a bit more extra cash to pay things off quicker and play harder! I have turned in a number of applications hoping to get a call as soon as possible. Nursing homes, banks, gas stations, and the hospital are all just a few places that I have applied. I am hoping for a nursing home job or a hospital. They are both in the medical field, and that is what I am going to school for. But at this point in time I feel any job will be beneficial to me and my family....so as I sit waiting for a big fat positive, I also wait for a phone call for a job interview. Have I mentioned lately that being patient is not something I am good at? I make myself go crazy with all the reason's it hasn't happened yet....hoping for a phone call this week and a new job to go to on Monday, the likely hood of that happening is slim to none.
I am keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed for some good news here in the next week!
I have been really hard on myself the last few days about not being pregnant. I keep seeing friends and family announce that they are finally pregnant after trying for a couple of months, or they didn't think they would get pregnant the first month of trying. I am trying so hard to be happy for them, and not be jealous or upset, but I find myself crying wondering why in the world it hasn't happened to me. I am also having a really hard time dealing with friends and family who just had a baby. A friend and a cousin both had their babies yesterday. One was weighing 7lbs 90z and the other was 3lbs 7oz. I can't help but wanting their babies as my own! I am happy for them, very happy, it's just the need I feel for a new little addition to my family is overpowering my happiness for them. I am jealous they get to experience a new baby. When can it be my turn? When can I say "the new babe has arrived!" when can I feel the hole in my heart has been replaced by a new sweet soul to love and cherish. I wish this ache would go away with a positive pregnancy test. I wish I knew when I will be having a child hopefully August 22nd.....that would be my due date if I am pregnant now.
In my previous post I mentioned I was having a few pre-period symptoms, not any more....I mean my boobs are still a little sore, but not like they normally are.. and I haven't felt like I am going to start. Maybe that is a good sign? I am feeling more tired lately but I haven't been sleeping well at all...I am trying not to associate that with pregnancy symptoms because restless nights will do that to you. I can do this! I can wait a week to find out the good or bad news! I will not give in and take a test, I don't want to be disappointed if I get a false-negative...or a real negative.....I am praying harder than I have ever prayed before that I will have a big fat positive!!
On a different note, it is obvious that this is one thing I think about 24/7. Sitting at home day in and day out hasn't been very helpful with getting my mind off of it. So after much consideration I decided that it was time to look for a job. It keep me busy during the day and my mind focused on other things. It will also give B an opportunity to play with other children, she doesn't get to do that often and I feel that interaction will be good for her. Not to mention the money...it will give us a bit more extra cash to pay things off quicker and play harder! I have turned in a number of applications hoping to get a call as soon as possible. Nursing homes, banks, gas stations, and the hospital are all just a few places that I have applied. I am hoping for a nursing home job or a hospital. They are both in the medical field, and that is what I am going to school for. But at this point in time I feel any job will be beneficial to me and my family....so as I sit waiting for a big fat positive, I also wait for a phone call for a job interview. Have I mentioned lately that being patient is not something I am good at? I make myself go crazy with all the reason's it hasn't happened yet....hoping for a phone call this week and a new job to go to on Monday, the likely hood of that happening is slim to none.
I am keeping my fingers (and legs) crossed for some good news here in the next week!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Waiting
Every day seems to last an eternity. It is extremely hard for me to be patient and wait for something I want so bad. I am only on CD 25, so I have a little over a week until I either start AF or miss AF and find out I am pregnant.... a little over a week feels like forever and a day away! But deep down I am just feeling like I am not pregnant this month. It is really bothersome that I feel this way already, but with a few pre-period symptoms it is getting a little discouraging to think I might actually be pregnant this month.
When I found out I was pregnant with B I was already 7 weeks pregnant. I felt extremely bloated so I just assumed my period was on its way, until my boobs were so sore that I couldn't even let the shower water hit my body, I thought maybe I was pregnant. Yes, I was very naive to not have a single clue until 7 weeks, but being on birth control it wasn't something that crossed my mind. I am trying so hard to remember the early weeks of my pregnancy to see if anything that I am feeling now I felt than... Of course I can't remember three and a half years ago.
I am really getting sick and tired of disappointments every single month. It makes me wonder if I am done having kids... I probably shouldn't be thinking so negative, life is hard when you want something so bad and after trying and trying for months to achieve it, you still haven't, or can't it makes you wonder what God has in store for you. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am not a good enough mother, and that is why I haven't been able to conceive. No one in my immediate family has ever had fertility issues, they are the complete opposite, FERTILE, so fertile they don't even have to try to get pregnant, it just happens when they least expect it!
All of this has been a huge wake up call for me, and even depressing to say the least. A girl I worked with at the clinic is going to ask an Ultrasound tech if I can come in today to just see what is going on inside. Hopefully she will be able to tell me that it looks like there will be a baby....but she can also tell me it looks normal for someone who isn't pregnant. I am also wondering if she will be able to tell me if my tubes are blocked, I am not sure if you can even tell through ultrasound if your tubes are blocked, but if she can it will be good to know either way... and maybe it is too soon for an ultrasound, but at this point it will give me some idea as to what is or is not going on inside of me. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for positive news!
When I found out I was pregnant with B I was already 7 weeks pregnant. I felt extremely bloated so I just assumed my period was on its way, until my boobs were so sore that I couldn't even let the shower water hit my body, I thought maybe I was pregnant. Yes, I was very naive to not have a single clue until 7 weeks, but being on birth control it wasn't something that crossed my mind. I am trying so hard to remember the early weeks of my pregnancy to see if anything that I am feeling now I felt than... Of course I can't remember three and a half years ago.
I am really getting sick and tired of disappointments every single month. It makes me wonder if I am done having kids... I probably shouldn't be thinking so negative, life is hard when you want something so bad and after trying and trying for months to achieve it, you still haven't, or can't it makes you wonder what God has in store for you. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am not a good enough mother, and that is why I haven't been able to conceive. No one in my immediate family has ever had fertility issues, they are the complete opposite, FERTILE, so fertile they don't even have to try to get pregnant, it just happens when they least expect it!
All of this has been a huge wake up call for me, and even depressing to say the least. A girl I worked with at the clinic is going to ask an Ultrasound tech if I can come in today to just see what is going on inside. Hopefully she will be able to tell me that it looks like there will be a baby....but she can also tell me it looks normal for someone who isn't pregnant. I am also wondering if she will be able to tell me if my tubes are blocked, I am not sure if you can even tell through ultrasound if your tubes are blocked, but if she can it will be good to know either way... and maybe it is too soon for an ultrasound, but at this point it will give me some idea as to what is or is not going on inside of me. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for positive news!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Home Sweet Home
After spending 9 days with my hubby and 4 of those days in Battle Mountain, Nevada I am so ready to be back home!! Battle Mountain is horrible, not to mention living in a camp trailer with an almost 3 year old isn't the best time. B was so tired of being cramped up (it was way to cold to go outside and play) and watching the same movies over and over again was just making her mad. The water heater tank is very small so showering was a quite a chore! Cold showers are NOT fun at all!! Other than that, spending those days with my husband was special and much needed for our family!
And now we wait! I am currently on CD 20, I am hoping by CD 30 I will be able to take a test and have a positive result. But after doing a little research online it seems AF can be later than expected while taking clomid. So with that in mind I am going to do my best to just wait, wait and wait some more until I feel that I will have a positive test and hope and pray that AF doesn't come at all! Our little family is desperately trying to grow, at least we want it to! I hope it happens this time around since we both tried really hard to make sure that it would! Dr.'s orders were closely followed so that our chances would be higher! I guess only time will tell, but lets hope that it is sooner than later!
And now we wait! I am currently on CD 20, I am hoping by CD 30 I will be able to take a test and have a positive result. But after doing a little research online it seems AF can be later than expected while taking clomid. So with that in mind I am going to do my best to just wait, wait and wait some more until I feel that I will have a positive test and hope and pray that AF doesn't come at all! Our little family is desperately trying to grow, at least we want it to! I hope it happens this time around since we both tried really hard to make sure that it would! Dr.'s orders were closely followed so that our chances would be higher! I guess only time will tell, but lets hope that it is sooner than later!
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