Waiting

Every day seems to last an eternity.  It is extremely hard for me to be patient and wait for something I want so bad.  I am only on CD 25, so I have a little over a week until I either start AF or miss AF and find out I am pregnant.... a little over a week feels like forever and a day away! But deep down I am just feeling like I am not pregnant this month.  It is really bothersome that I feel this way already, but with a few pre-period symptoms it is getting a little discouraging to think I might actually be pregnant this month. 

When I found out I was pregnant with B I was already 7 weeks pregnant.  I felt extremely bloated so I just assumed my period was on its way, until my boobs were so sore that I couldn't even let the shower water hit my body, I thought maybe I was pregnant.  Yes, I was very naive to not have a single clue until 7 weeks, but being on birth control it wasn't something that crossed my mind.  I am trying so hard to remember the early weeks of my pregnancy to see if anything that I am feeling now I felt than... Of course I can't remember three and a half years ago.

I am really getting sick and tired of disappointments every single month.  It makes me wonder if I am done having kids... I probably shouldn't be thinking so negative, life is hard when you want something so bad and after trying and trying for months to achieve it, you still haven't, or can't it makes you wonder what God has in store for you.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am not a good enough mother, and that is why I haven't been able to conceive.  No one in my immediate family has ever had fertility issues, they are the complete opposite, FERTILE, so fertile they don't even have to try to get pregnant, it just happens when they least expect it!

All of this has been a huge wake up call for me, and even depressing to say the least.  A girl I worked with at the clinic is going to ask an Ultrasound tech if I can come in today to just see what is going on inside.  Hopefully she will be able to tell me that it looks like there will be a baby....but she can also tell me it looks normal for someone who isn't pregnant.  I am also wondering if she will be able to tell me if my tubes are blocked, I am not sure if you can even tell through ultrasound if your tubes are blocked, but if she can it will be good to know either way... and maybe it is too soon for an ultrasound, but at this point it will give me some idea as to what is or is not going on inside of me.  I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for positive news!